Rachel Catherine Barnes - Online Memorial Website

May 10, 2013

This is the first time i have written to you here this year. Time has a way of sneaking away from you. I guess you know that. Anyway, it's almost Mother's Day and I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. I not only feel like a motherless child and also a childless mother. I had two daughters at one time in my life. One was taken away from me and the other chose to leave. Maybe I deserve this for the things I have done wrong in my life. I guess that might be something I will never know.

my sweet girl who loved me too not just for what you could get from me even though I woold have given you the moon.  I wish I could be more like you and just go on with my life and enjoy the time I have left. I am truly sick of people-all of them. I trust no one.Here I am talking about me.

I love you, my baby girl. I thank you for being the sweetest most loving daughter in the whole world. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I will try to quit figuring things out. You may not be here, but I have your love always. That can never change. One day soon I hope to be with you. I am going to try to make the best of mother;s day. I will remember you as my pride and joy. None could ever take your place. I will remember that my Heavenly Father loves me more than I could ever understand. I cling to that. I will talk to you laterthe phone.

Here I sit alone with only thoughts of you. But that is more than enough. I treasure all my memories of you- the good and the bad, but they all are bittersweet. They all can bring tears. I just miss you so so much. No words can ever express the longing in my heart for you. But I believe one day soon we will be together again never more to part.

We had our family gathering yesterday, and I must say there are some things that never change. There was the usual "lateness" and the few whiners, but for the most part is was good. Of course I was the only one who mentioned you. And David did make a comment back. But I kow it is hard for them and besides I couldn't ruin their party by bringing up a sad topic. It was good to be with the family again. The kids were actually here! But at the end of the day I was glad to be with my thoughts of you.

Sarah and Andrew are going to California with the band on Thursday to be in the Rose Bowl parade. I am so glad they are getting to go but I will be glad when they get back home. They are so grown up now. They are all taller than me now-even Baby Shaun.

It's hard for me to write to you now. My mind flits from here to there and I just feel like I am getting old. I just don't fit in anywhere any more. I am different. I am the one whose child died.

Well, Bedo is meowing and wanting out. It's funny how a cat can remind you of a person, but she does remind me of you. Silly me! I guess I will go let her out now. I love you, sweet girl! Merry Christmas!

Well, number 8 now. Eight years since we had Thanksgiving with you. 8 years of missing you. 8 years of pretending. 8 years of longing to be with you. I guess I could look at it as 8 years closer to you. Either way, I am thankful for the 22 years I had with you. You gave me so much joy and happiness and I am so very thankful for each moment I had with you. It just wasn't enough. I dreamed of you the other night-seemed like all night long. And of yourse you were sick.I would love to have a dream of us being together laughing and talking and hugging and all those sweet things we used to do. 

I got this idea yesterday. It's like you have a treasure that you keep hidden away because it is priceless. You put it in a drawer or box or something for safe keeping. Sometimes you think about that treasure, but you don't go get it out. Other things need to be taken care of. Still you know it is there. Other times you go get the treasure for a short space of time and hold it close to you cherishing its meaning; then dutifully you place it back where it belongs. Then some days all you want is that treasure and you take it out, and cling to it. It has to be a day when nothing interrupts you or distracts you. Iit brings smiles and tears. You know no one else can understand how important that tresuere is to you. No one else loves it like you do. So you keep your feeling s to yourself.

Rach, you are my special treasure. Today is Thanksgiving and i wish it could be one of those days when I could just be with my memories of you remembering all the good times and the bad ones. But today i will just bring you out for a little while. It's a busy day. You know what it is like. So I will tuck you safely away in my heart for today, I always know that you are there. I love you, baby girl. Happy Thanksgiving in heaven!

It's come and gone for the 7th time and still it hurts so bad. So many thoughts in my head. So many things going on. So much to occupy my time. Still the hurt is there-the indescirbable hurt that no one knows unless they've lived it. Yet I am expected to just act like all is okay. The pain is different now-not that unrelenting searing pain that ripped me apart, but an aching sickening pain that lets me know that each day I die a little more. I am told it is wrong to feel this way, that is is sinful. Just got interrupted. Will write later. Love you my angel girl always and forever.

I took Shaun and Alex to see Ice Age 4 today. It was really cute! They are redoing the movie theater and the one we were in today has stiars in it. I remember taking you there to see so many movies like Beauty and the Beast and Titanic. But your first trip to the movie was when you were just a baby and Dad and I took you and went to see the very first Superman movie. Becky didn't want to go so she stayed with Grandma Barnes. You were so good-didn't cry the first peep. You always loved that movie. You would watch it over and over again.

I really like having the kids here. They make me laugh and bring so much joy to my life. I think if I hadn't had them, I would have lost my mind completely. I hate to see them grow up, but that's the way it is meant to be. I pray that they will have good lives and be good people and be happy. Most of all I pray they come to know the Lord Jesus Christ and live their lives for him.

I think of you so much through the day remembering things we did, things you said, the happiness and love we shared. I know it's stupid, but I wish there was a way to just undo all the past ten years and change it. But, as hard as it is to accept it, I know God had a different plan which was a perfect plan. I don't understand it and I probably never will and I don't like it, but His ways are not my ways and my ways are not His. Yet will I trust in Him always.
Alex wants the computer, so I will try to write again soon. I love you!!