Rachel Catherine Barnes - Online Memorial Website

March 16
I noticed the last entry said March 19, but it wasn't. Maybe the 10th. Anyway, today is the 16th. Grandma Barnes has been gone 10 years today.  I remember calling you and telling you. I have so regretted that. You were all alone. But never in a million years would I have believed you would be gone 4 years later. I just can't get over the fact that I couldn't make you better. It just isn't right that your beautiful life is over. I know your Dad still grieves so for her. I am saddened , but no one's death has ever compared with yours. "But of all these friends and loved ones there is no one compares with you. But in my life I loved you more."

My birthday is tomorrow, and you will be foremost in my mind. Every day is hard, but special days are the hardest. They are a reminder of "what might have been." Nothing is ever whole-there is always something missing. The love and joy you brought to my life is missing. YOU are missing. Oh well, it is just another day-one day closer to being with you.

I had a lot on my mind to write about, but I just can't do it right now. I love you, my sweet girl, always and forever.

March 19

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish on a star
That somewhere you are thinking of me too

'Cause I'm dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

Wonder if you ever see me
And I wonder if you know I'm there
If you looked in my eyes
Would you see what's inside? Would you even care?

I just wanna hold you close
But so far all I have are dreams of you
So I wait for the day and the courage to say
How much I love you, yes, I do

I'll be dreaming of you tonight
'Til tomorrow I'll be holding you tight
And there's nowhere in the world I'd rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me

March 9
"Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys" ~ Alphon

Shared grief is like a magnet.When you meet someone who has lost a child there is an instant attraction-a common bond. Unfortunately sometimes those who are closest to us, for whatever the reason may be, cannot share in the grief. Instead they run away from the "unplesantries" of it all, and relationships suffer. When you lose a child, you ofen lose others who cannot/ will not share in your grief. You lose a way of life.

 

March 8, 2011
So many beautiful memories...One that stands out is when Rachel was little. She would go outside in the yard to play. A few minutes later I would go check and her and when she would see me, she would act like she hadn't seen me in ages. Sh...e'd yell "Mommy" and throw open her little arms and run to me. I would open my arms and yell "Rachel" and run to her. We would give each other a big hug. I imagine that's how it will be when I go Home and see her for the first time. We'll run to each other and never have to part again.  I love you, my sweet gal!

feb 15, 2011

I remember one time I told you I wantedto die-that I couldnt take any more. You told me I didnt know what i was talking about-that if someone had a gfun to my head i would see it differrntly. well ig uess you had a gun to your head0the bitf cancer. i hate thit!! I remember how much you suffered and it teras my heart in toe. peopl e dsay dont live in the past but that;s where you are. you arent here now or never will be againb/ the oinly thing i know to do is join you. i wish i had the guts to do it. I am sick all the time i hate doctors ihate life ihate death i hate it akk. yet some would tell me how horribvle i amn for nbot trusting in him what do they kjnpow about trust. soem say He answers all prayers, but when you ask fir simething you don't accept no as the answer. So here i am stuck here with no life feeling so sorry for myself that i want to end it all. other people hae no clue the hell i have been through even wotse the hell you went through.i pray the Lord to take me. i guess he will one day. I hate the way i sound, but i am in a bad bad way. i just want out of this hell of a life. oh rachel i have such horrible dreams i lived the past 10 years in hell. i know i am repreating myself but i dont know what to do. can you helo ne>Can you coje get me so I can be with you. Where are uyou howe dfo i find you i want to hear your voice toucyh you.ut wa this tine of year that we knew you had relaosed. what a nightmare fromn beginning to end. i need some one i need you the only one who really loved mne,you and daddy-but the love youi gave m was enough. my mom never liked me idont know why i guess i wasnt her cute little sweet little girl well she could have had someone who would have loved her a lot mnore. i am tired and must lay down.come see me tonight like you did that othet time. if you can out in a word for me with the Good One. i love you baby it wont be long.