Rachel Catherine Barnes - Online Memorial Website

Well, your 29th birthday has come and gone, and I am sitting here crying for you. The special days are easier than they were. Time does have a way of helping. I won't say it heals, but it helps me to push those feelings away. I still can't figure out people, but I have learned to push that aside too.

Dad and I visited you and took you two balloons. One was Happy Birthday and the other We Love You. I guess you are probably tired of balloons.lol (You don't even know what lol means.) We also brought you a cute pink little stuffed pig and a little pink rose bush. I wish you were here so I could buy you the moon.

I am still driving your Eclipse. It only has forty some thousand miles and still runs great.(Knock on wood.) The clear coat had come off in one spot on the trunk and a tree fell on it hitting the same spot. We got it fixed and it looks almost new. I got some seat covers and need to put them on. I will try to keep that little car for as long as I can. Lord willing, it will be paid off in September.

Everyone has pretty much moved on with their lives-as they should. Sarah will graduate next year! Wow! She was in kindergarten when you graduated. She is so smart and such a sweet girl. Andrew is still aggressive little Andrew. He is so talented musically and is so capable. He is a young man now. Alex still loves his Legos and video games, but he has developed a new like-girls. He even had his first date the other night. Shaun is, of course, still the baby. He is rotten to the core, but is so sweet and thoughtful. He is the one with the heart.

Alex and Shaun are here right now and are outside. I think I will go spend time with them. I will try to write again tomorrow. I love you so so much, my darling child. My Lord how it hurts not to be with you.
Today was the date of your first transplant in 2003. Never ever in a million years would I had ever guessed it would have ended this way.

Your friend Aaron Collins died Saturday. I don't know what happened to him. My heart goes out to his family.

Another year has come and gone without you.  This is one of the hardest days of the year. I guess it's because I know I am starting another year without you. I guess that's a bad way of looking at it, but that's just the way it is-the way I am.  So much happened over Christmas and I am afraid it is not the end of it. We will see. I would have thought with you dying people would change, but I guess your death wasn't "bad enough". I just pray that 2012 brings a better life for everyone.
I wonder what you are doing tonight. Well there is no night there for the Son is the constant light of your world. I guess I just like to imagine.  I can just see you running through the ctrystal waters, splashing the water into the air and you're smiling and happy and surrounded by love.  Maybe you and Jason are dancing with the angels.  I can see you in a beautiful white flowing dress dancing around and around so lightly on your feet as if you were dancing on a cloud.  My beautiful little girl, I can't wait to be with you there.
I will never understand why thing shad to be the way they are. I don't even try to understnad any more. But I truly believe that there is a better day coming-the endless day of perfect joy and peace.Jesus Christ is my hope and my anchor and I believe what He promised us will be fulfilled.
I miss you baby girl, more than I could ever tell. Your death, I think has literally broken my heart. My old ticker is tired of being broken and I don't think it will tick much longer. Who knows? But however much time I have left on thids Earth I pray that I can live for my Heavenly Father-to do His will, to help others. to live and do to the best of my ability. Of course I fail at that miserably most of the time. But I know with Him, I can do all things because he gives me the strength to do so.
I often pray for God to give you a message for me-for Him to tell you I love you and that each day brings me closer. I don't know if He does that sort of thing, but I can ask.
Well another year is almost here...another one without you. I guess I have written that hundereds of times, but one day I wil be finished with writing sadness and I will be in Glory with Jesus and you.

RACHEL, I LOVE YOU ALWAYS

Nov. 29, 2011

Hey Baby Girl,

I just wanted to write and tell you a few things. Dad and I brought your Christmas decorations to you today. I fixed the cutest little tree. It has red glittery ornaments, snowmen, solar multi-colored lights(the way you like), and a red bow on top. I even found a little red glittery tree skirt. The lady at Food City fixed you two flower arrangements with red poinsettas, red bows, pine and other greenery. They are pretty, but I believe I would have liked mine better. I hung a penguin wind chimes in your tree and put a little nativity scene on your stone. I am so glad that we got it fixed early -just for you.

We are decorating the house too. I have the tree put up, but not decorated. It’s not the best tree in the world, but it doesn’t much matter. If you were here, we would have the grandest tree ever.  We put the village on the little table, and Dad bought some new people for it.  We have our nativity scenes out-your little one and my Willow Tree collection. That’s my favorite thing for Christmas. We have lights and garland and bows on the bridge.  Of course, your little tree is up in your room. I guess you could say it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I have most of my shopping done except some clothes for Becky and the kids. I want to buy Dad something nice, but I don’t know what to get him. I wish I could buy everyone something. 

I am so thankful that Thanksgiving was good this year.  Last year I was so sick, and have been sick most of this fall too.  So I am just so thankful to the Lord that I could enjoy my time with my family.  I think I am finally able, with the help of the good Lord, to start enjoying holidays a bit. I know you would want me too.  But if I think about it too long I will cry.  Well, I still cry every day anyway.  But it is better.  Of course, life will never be the same. I try to see myself with you in Heaven with our dearest Lord Jesus. And when I can do that I can smile.

The kids were here.  Sarah and Alex ate with us, and well, you can guess the rest of it.  Some things never change.  Becky wasn’t here either, but that’s okay.  We had Alex a birthday cake and bought him a big Lego set which he loved. You wouldn’t believe how big they have grown!

Well, I saved the best part for last.  I was at work yesterday, and this girl named Jessica Goble sat down and started talking to me.  She graduated the year before you. She said she knew you and knew that I was your mom and that she had been wanting to talk to me for a long time.  She then went on to tell me how highly she thought of you. She said you were a breath of fresh air always smiling and speaking to everyone.  She said you were nice to all people-rich or poor, black or white-you were just nice to everyone. It made me feel so good to hear someone talk about you-to tell me how wonderful you were.

I love you my sweet girl. I keep trying to hold on.  I know that each day brings me closer to you.  Don’t forget to be watching for me. We will be forever together.

First Thanksgiving / Mom

First Thanksgiving

The thought of being thankful
fills my heart with dread.
They’ll all be feigning gladness,
not a word about her said.

These heavy shrouds of blackness
enveloping my soul,
pervasive, throat-catching
writhe in me, and coil.

I must, I must acknowledge,
just express her name,
so all sitting at the table,
know I’m thankful that she came.

Though she’s gone from us forever
and we mourn to see her face,
not one minute of her living,
would her death ever replace.

So I stop the cheerful gathering,
though my voice quivers, quakes,
make a toast to all her living.
That small tribute’s all it takes.

Genesse Bourdeau Gentry
TCF, Marin/San Francisco,

 

This is our 7th Thanksgiving without her, but I can remember feeling this way that first Thanksgiving, and the 2nd, and the third.... But I have learned that it is not that they don't care or don't say anything. I'm not really sure, but probably it's because they are afraid I might suddenly think of her or they might be reminded that sadness and sickness and death are all a part of life. And that pretending does not make everything right. I don't know, but it doesn't really matter. I know there is no wrong intended.

It just really would be nice for someone to say her name, to remind me what a wonderful person she was. Yes, I have moved far from that 1st Thanksgiving of grief so raw it tore at my very being. I only thought once today about "our wishbone." I only cried twice-when I first woke up and when Avril Lavigne sang Wish you were here at the Macy's parade.

And so, RACHEL, I fearlessly say your name and say that I love you and that you were one terrific person. As long as I live, as long as I celebrate Thanksgiving, I will remember you, I will love you, I will miss you. That hole in my heart will always be there for you took a piece of it when you went.

 

July 28, 2006

Well the day is almost over. It was uneventful which is good. Dad, Alex, Shaun and I went to your grave and brought you flower, balloons, and a little angel. We had a circle prayer and little Shaun led us in one verse of Amazing Grace. We wrote your name and our names on one balloon and Shaun let it go. The boys watched as it floated straight up towards the heavens. They watched until it was out of sight.
They are such sweet little boys. You wouldn't know them they have grown so much.

Rach, I love you and miss you so, but I deal with my pain so much better than I did. I am assured that you are in Heaven resting with our Lord and that I will be with you again. But it sure would be nice just to see you and hold you again.
I still have some things to work out-stones in my field, you might say. But I pray every day that I could grow in the Lord and be a light to our loved ones the way you were. That is my goal in life now to live my life, every part of it, for Him. I don't deseerve the love He has given me, but I gladly accept it.

Oh my baby, I am so sorry that I could not make you better. I always felt like I could fix things. Boy was I wrong. And I found it out in such a horrible way. You were a pillar of strength. Oh I know there were times you felt defeated, but never in my life have I seen anyone face tribulation and suffereing and ultimately death like you did.

Well, another year has passed and tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will be with you tomorrow, maybe not. Either way it is one day closer to being with you. Until that day. I will hold you oin my heart and cherish everything about you. You were and will always be my beautiful sunshine girl, my angel of the morning.