Feb. 7, 2011
Hey Rach, I want to talk to you so badly. The phone rang the other day and as I went to answer it I thought, "maybe thatr's Rachel. Oh Lord let there be a way for her to call me." Of course I know that can't be so I guess I will settle for talking to you in my dreams. Sadly. they are never good dreams. You are always sick in them. Rachel I have been sick for almost 5 months. I dont know what is wrong, but I am almost at the end of it. I sometimes wish the Lorsd would just take me out of here. I am tired of living. I thinbk of how you suffered and what you endured, and although I know it was His will, I can never understand it. Suffering is so hard. Until someone suffers as you do, they can never understand. But Rach if you can put in a good word for me, I sure would like to feel good again. Is that selfish of me? I know you wanted to feel good again, but you never did. I know you feel good now, so I guess I should be grateful...and I am. I dread everything, yet I worry about people and want to help them, but I'm honestly not able. I want to get over this heartbreak, but I don't think I ever will-not completely. Someone said the other day about a woman who had lost her little boy to a drowning accident that "she wasn't broken." I really doubt that. We who lose children learn to put our masks on for the world, so they don't see our deep dark secret of grief so horrible that now words can ever describe it. I am afraid to take my mask off because everyone would run from me. Alot of them do that anyway.
Well baby, I guess I am talking all about me, but I am me because of you. I have to get ready for work so I will go for now. Remember baby I lvlove you always. Be waitin for me just inside the eastern gate. I will run to you and you will run to me. You will say Mommy? and I will say Rachel? and we will embrace. What a joyful day that will be.
December 31, 2010
This is the last day of this decade-the worst one of my life. I never thought my life would be this way. Well I wanted to write to you, but it will have to wait. Your dad is on his usual mission to "get things going." I love you, baby, and will try my best to write to you tomorrow.Be with me.
when will it all end? how long can i endure this despair and sorrow? how long will it be until my Lord calls me home or comes to meet His church in the sky?it used to be easy to write but now i just struggle with it.i guess because it is repititious. just say the same things over and over again. what else is ther eloeft to say/ its not like i dont have time to wite or anything . seems like someth8ng is always going on but yet at the same time it seems life is meaningless with nothing to do and noone to see. when i think about seeing someone, i truly cant imagine who it might be-since ity cant be you. you are the one i want to see, to be with, to hold and nebver let go. ther is always a groan deep in the pit of my stomach waiting to escAPE. MOST OF THE TIME I USUALLY HOLD ONTO THE GROWN, BUT SOMETIMES WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT ESCAPES FROM ME.
I have discovered something about myself that i deeply despise-a trait I never had until you died. it has grown as my anger has lessened.I gate the feeling! Every time I get a wedding invitation in the mail or see a picture of someone's new born baby, yes I feel that green eyed monster lurking a my heels. Why cabt that be you? Oh, I guess I am supposed to be grateful and thankful that ypou got to die and go to Heaven. Sorry for my sarcasm, Rach. I am getting sl;eepy, baby. write more later. love you sweet darkling
This time 26 years ago I was holding my little baby Rachel in my arms. You came into the world the same way you went out-quietly and peacefully. I try to hold to the memories of good times. I do have so many. But the good memories make me cry as much as the painful memories because I know that I will never share good times with you again-at least not on this earth.
I have cried so many tears for year. For 7 1/2 years I have cried for you. I could not save you from the cancer that took your life and I cannot bring you back from the chains of the grave that hold you. So I must accept the way it is and try to carry on with life in a way that the Lord would have me go.
I think back to your first birthday after your death and remember the anger, the pain, the grief that robbed me of everything good. It is different now. It's not that I have "gotten over it". It's just that I can see beyond it all now. I know that the Lord will lead me to you one day and that we will be together with Him forever.
Anyway, I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to my beautiful sunshine girl. I love you with everything in me.
This is the last day of March. We found out you relapsed for the final time on march 28, 2005. You got baptized 4 years ago today. I am missing you so bad today. What am I going to do, Rach. I just wish it would all end. I am so tired. I look at your pictures and want to be with you so bad. I will never be happy on this earth again. That left the day you did. I just keep it all to myself. I have no one. Here I am feeling sorry for myself.I have the Lord and without Him I could never have made it this far.I hope your website is fixed soon. I might be better off not to spend so much time=althought it was actually a small amount of time. I have been watching American Idol. You would like the young red headed girl.Memories in my mind-flashbacks to another time. Haunting me, hurting me, slowly killing me. Am I any better than you? I am sorry baby. I a mso sorry.I love you without end.
