I just typed a bunch of stuff and apprently it is lost. Maybe it want menat to be. Anyway I love you too.
I have so many thoughts in my head-as usual, but it just so hard to put them to words when they bombard me all at once. All I can say is I miss you so much that I know that only death can bring an end to this unending grief. There is a silent scream that lies somewhere within me and I think if I let it out, it would never stop. I've been dreaming about you alot lately and the essence of the dreams are always the same. You are alive, but we both know you are going to die. At least in my dreams I can feel you, hear you, see you. You often look different. In one dream you were about eight or nine and you were crying because you were scared. Then you put your face against my leg, like you always used to do. You didn't like people to see you cry. Why did you always feel you had to be strong? Was that your nature or did I do something to make you that way?
This will be the fourth Thanksgiving-the fourth Christmas without you, and I wonder, how am I still here? I thought I would surely be close behind you when you left. Life can never be the same without you. Until we are together again, I will hold you in my heart and treasure every moment of time we had together. I will always love you, my sweet sunshine girl.
I am sitting here at your desk in your room thinking about you like I usually do. And I am angry. I thought I had pretty much got past that, but I can't help but think what life would be like if you were still here. I imagine us doing things together being with each other. But no, that will never be. I'm mad at those doctors. Why didn't they see what they should hav seen. I can't help thinking if your treatment had been more agressive at the beginning you would still be here.Then I blame myself because I should have made them listen to me and not treat me like an overanxious mom. And your so-called friends-where were they when you needed them. And I won't even mention the two scumbags that deserve nothing. It just isn't fair!! But that's the way life is, isn't it? I remember when you told me that it just wan't "in your cards". My precious baby, I am so so sorry. I wanted to change it and make it right for you, What is wriong with a mother trying to do that. I loved you...I love you...and I couldn't make you better. I would have gladly taken that damn cancer from you and died for you. I prayed God would spare you, but I guess, like you said, it just wasn't meant to be. I will live the rest of my life missing you-remembering our times together...and the tears flow...
I guess this is going to be our new place to talk since our other site is closed now. I dreamed of you last night-something I hadn't done in quite a while. I've dreamed this same dream a few times before with just the details being different. Anyway, I dreamed you were with me and that I knew you were sick even though you looked healthy. You weren't taking any chemo and hadn't had any for a long time. I was so worried about you and that even though you didn't seem to be sick, I knew you were dying. The dream confused me because I felt happiness and great sadness at the same time. But the prevailing feeling throughout the whole dream was my love for you. As I studied your face, your hair, your hands, I was just overwhelmed with love for you.Oh, baby, that IS the way I love you. I love you so much more than words could ever say. I will continue to miss you until the day we are together again. I pray that day will be soon. It is hard living without you.
Memories of my tiny precious little baby-so quiet, so good. I remember your first smile. It was the middle of the night and you were about 5 or 6 weeks old. I was worried because your Sis had smiled so much earlier.I fed you and laid you down on the bed next to me. As I talked to you, you looked straight at me just like you did from the minute you were born. Your tiny mouth suddenly turned up at the corners and there you were smiling at me. I was just thrilled!
We laid there side by side me singing to you. You slowly closed your little blue eyes and I scooted you away from me, so I wouldn't hurt you. When morning came I awoke in the same position but there you were cuddled right next to me. I never figured that one out but it was always like that. If you slept with me, when morning came you would be right next to me. So many memories.
