Today is my birthday and I miss you!!!! My soul cries out for you and it will until the day we are once again together. Until that day I will cherish every memory, every thought, everything about you. I love you, my precious child!
Today is Feb. 1, 2009. How can it be? My God, Rach, I still sometimes cannot believe you are gone. Sometimes I think I cannot stnad to live a second longer. This pain is too much sometimes. My only strength is in the Lord, but I know I have to let Him help me. I think of all you had to go through NS i AM SICKENED BY IT ALL. mY POOR POOR BABY. I just cant write right now. Maybe it will come later.I love you so so very much.
She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry
Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine
She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by
Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine
Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine
For the past two days I keep remembering how you used to bring me violets and dandelions and any other little flower that you thought I would like. I can still see that little face, that beautiful little smile, and that look of eagerness. You always loved to make me happy. And you did make me happy. My sweet sweet child, how I love you. I just don't think I can do this much longer. I feel so dead inside. I am just so damned sorry I couldn't make it all better.
And on it goes...Well Rach, Christmas is almost here. The kids are coming today and Becky says she is coming, but we'll see.
Alot going on lately, but I just want to keep it low key. There is a candle lighting service at the cemetary tonight and a Christmas play at church. Which do I do? You know I want to be at the candle lighting, butit is supposed to be near sero with the wind chill factor. Maybe I will chuck it all and just stay at home. I haven't even finished my shopping, and I don't really don't want to fool with it.
I don't think about you as much as I used to, and the pain is not so raw, but I am so different. How many times have I said, "Life will never be the same." But it is true. I have learned though that I have to attempt to truly live again. The why's in my head have been replaced with a lot of ifs.
I probablty won't get time to write to you any more before Christmas, so I will say Merry Christmas now. I love you. You know that. You are my Christmas angel. Good bye for now.
When Rachel was about two years old, we bought a tiny nativity scene at Watson's, her favorite department store. We brought it home, tore off the plastic, and looked for the best place to display it. She instantly fell in love with the little people and animals-especially baby Jesus.
As we set it up on the shelf, I told her the story of Mary and Joseph, the three wise men, the shepherds, and the birth of the little baby. I'm sure she didn't understand much of what I told her, but she listened intently. All through the day I noticed Rachel looking at the manger display.
A few days later while I was dusting, I noticed the baby Jesus figure was missing. I looked around for it thinking it might have fallen of the shelf, but it was nowhere to be found. When I asked Becky if she had seen it, I noticed Rachel looked a bit funny-like she might be the guilty party. So I asked her if she had seen it. She just look wide - eyed at me. I asked her again. Relunctantly she took down her Christmas stocking and pulled out the tiny figure. I put it back in the display.
All through that Christmas season and for several years to come, Rachel kept her fascination for the nativity scene especially the "littlest" one. She would carry the baby Jesus around in her little hand or she would find various hiding places for Him. I never understood the enthrallment she had for the tiny plastic baby Jesus. Maybe she knew, in some way, how special the real baby Jesus was.
The tiny nativity set was replaced by a larger one several years ago, but I still have the little one. It sIts on top of Rachel's chest of drawers where she displayed it the last few years of her life. She never outgrew her love for her tiny baby Jesus.
